My Ministry Is Sleeping

Tried to time it right.  Skipped my shower, teased my hair instead.  Husband brought out all the stops.  But after taking my exhausted son into my arms just 15 minutes before we should be leaving for church, he looked up at me with the most tired eyes and we both understood each other.  This day, this nap, this time, sleep was more important to his little body.  And it was momma's job to notice that.

I love the Church.  People from all different kinds of backgrounds and upbringings coming together to worship God.  Gatherings on Sundays were and are very important to my husband and I.  But something not talked about until you are in it, is the sacrifice Sundays become when you have little ones.

I'm seeing each week into this motherhood adventure that every day is different and each Sunday is a new decision.  So I haven't written off church.  But my expectations are low, and if we get there for half a sermon Praise Be To God!  And if my son needs a three hour nap that morning, Praise Be To God.  My ministry has been refocused for a little bit, (or just concentrated for a while) on my son.  My family is my first ministry right now.

My call to know intuitively what he needs in that moment is one I take seriously.  Last week that was a good ol' college try in the nursery and we made it through a whole service.  Today his growing body needs me not to push him.  Before having kids we loved having people over several nights a week, sharing life with other couples, spontaneous dinner parties... and now my ministry is to quiet the house down after a difficult day, turn off the noisy toys or just GET ON THE FLOOR that I haven't swept and play with the legos.

It takes discipline to find satisfaction in this "ministry" on some days, if I'm being honest.  But when I do find it, God reminds my soul that this indeed is EXACTLY what He is calling me to do.

Only by His power...

I hate setting goals.  Probably because of the let down if I don't make it.  I don't start over easily.  I take responsibility and finish to the end, even if it's ugly and no one's watching.  It's just who I am.  Knowing this, I don't make commitments lightly.  That being said, I have "pushers" around me.  Ones who know I'm not into change, and check in on me to make sure I'm growing as a person.

But after being convicted about my pessimism with resolutions on Sunday, I've decided to put on a new attitude (Thanks Scott).  "Expect great things from God and attempt great things for God." - William Carey.  He wants us to enjoy Him, and enjoy this life living for Him.

In starting a new year, I kind of want rest, to take a breather, and to be still.  These are good things.  But they can instill some laziness as a woman of faith, if in them too long.  So I'm going to simplify but expect God to rock our world again.  I'm going to sleep hard but expect God to wake me up when necessary.

And "attempt."  What a great word.  Making an effort to achieve or complete.  It implies really going for it, but in the end it's about the process.  God wants me to attempt.  Whether or not He'll use it is up to Him.  But the expectation of standing up and going is what counts.

I'm going to ATTEMPT to be the wife of my husband's dreams in order to bless the heck out of him.

I'm going to ATTEMPT to be the best possible mother for Colton- whether that means tough love or unending compassion.

I'm going to ATTEMPT to be a faithful friend when called upon.

I'm going to ATTEMPT to find my beauty and identity in Christ, and not in the expectations of this world.

I'm going to ATTEMPT all these things only by His power in me.  Any goal setting, or wishful thinking on my own accord will lead to guilt upon failure.  I know there is victory to be had.  And He's gonna get all the credit this time.

Happy New Year.

How do we do it?

I'm convinced that we're in the middle of what some moms call a "wonder week."  More whining.  Less sleeping.  Some growing, some teething, learning new skills.  It's all tough on their little bodies.  But it's tough on our bodies too.

It's pretty routine for me to wake up and my very first thought is not "what a beautiful day to be alive" (although, it should be, and I have so much to be thankful for).  But instead I immediately ask myself what I have going on, and maybe I should cancel everything and hide in bed.  I've been a mom long enough now that blaming things on hormones seems rather passe, so instead I find myself sarcastic and exhausted.

Then I look at this photo from this morning.  I see my son.  Wide mouthed.  Clinging to my shirt.  Who am I kidding.  He is so worth all this.  I must go on.

My friend called me on her one free moment yesterday (new mother of two... we mostly text and show our love through emodicons these days).  She reminded me that I did not possess this capacity to love this human sacrificially until he was here.  And then, God granted it.  Now I can extend it.  We laughed thinking about "all of His children" that He loves so fully and perfectly.  And we struggle to stay awake without coffee.  Ha.

So thank you God, for knowing what I can handle.  After a difficult week, my son graced me with a three hour nap window to shower, shave, fold laundry and write.  And thank you friend, for the phone call.  And thank you son, for being an amazing growing and changing child.  I may be tired, but I'm not going anywhere.

The Art of Showering

My advise to my nine-months-pregnant sister?

Shower.  Often.  And long.

I actually did this.  Showered twice in one day just because I could when I was pregnant.  I would sit in the shower just to drift off, pray and think.  Soaking up the silence and the water beads.

Now it goes a little like this:

My shower is all about strategy.  It needs to happen after I've exercised, but also after my son's best nap, and decent feeding, and in a moment of time where there really is nothing else that should take it's priority.  Finding that spot is tricky sometimes.  Welcome to 10 minutes of my world.

Photo cred: Alphamom.com

Step 1: During nap set up the bathroom.  Clean clothes, potential changes of clothes, phone, water, clean towel, and about 5 toys that have not been "revealed" that day.  These toys must be exciting enough to hold at least 60 seconds of attention and be small enough to sit on the tub ledge (concealed behind the outer curtain.)

Step 2: Child wakes.  Feed and change him.  Assess mood.  The last thing you want is a screaming child outside of few moments of peace.

Step 3: Strap child into bouncy chair.  Still praying this chair grows with him, seeing that it's your saving grace for this stage in his lives.

Step 4: Begin song #1.  I have a repertoire of about 10 songs I can sing on command including mostly hymns, choruses of country tunes and Christmas songs.  Of all the songs we hear throughout the year, it's the Christmas ones that have the sticking power.  Seriously- all 4 verses of Joy to the World?  No problem.  Plus they are jolly and kid friendly.

Step 5: Turn water on, remove clothes and deliver Toy #1.  It deserves an exciting introduction as to hopefully squeeze the most out of it, because there will only be four more options.  The clock has begun.

Step 6: Begin song #2, complete with changed lyrics about how you're shampooing your hair and how much mommy loves baby.  Then you hear that sound.  Toy #1 has fallen on the ground.  The bouncy seat starts bouncing to the rhythm of his whining.  You poke your head out, and he smiles.  30 seconds of peek-a-boo.  Then it's time for conditioner and Toy #2.  Once again brought from behind the curtain with great surprise and exaggerated excitement!

Step 7:  Song #2 suddenly becomes song #1 because your mind drifted off to what's for dinner.  Toy #2 drops to floor.  Panic and sadness abounds.

Step 8:  Failed attempt at peek-a-boo.  Duh mom, you already used that one.  Oh!  Peek-a-boo from the other side of the shower.  30 seconds bought to lather body with soap.

Step 9:  Toy #3 is violently thrown against the door.  Two toys left... to shave or not shave.  That is ALWAYS the question.

Step 10:  Toy #4 surprising lasts longer than usual.  You peek out, concerned, only to find him trying to lean out of the bouncy seat.  Time for Toy #5.  I guess we're not shaving.

Step 11:  Song #3 on repeat cause your mind is a little numb.  You make a mental note of how desperately you need to clean the shower- after all it is your little peace of heaven, sometimes.  Oh and get Shampoo at Costco.  And the grout needs scrubbing.  Should call mom about her tricks for that.  Does the phone need charging?  ...Then that sounds we all hate to hear... Toy #5 hits the floor.  You could lean out to get it for him to buy you another minute, but then there would be water all over the floor and you'd spend that extra minute cleaning it up anyway.  Nah... sigh.  It's time to get out. 

Now there's probably not time for make up, and you might as well just throw your hair in a bun.  Muster up song #4 complete with made up hand motions just so you can throw your clothes on.  All this for 10 minutes of your life.  

But hey... at least we're clean.  That's sayin' something. 

Six Months Reflection

I can't believe a little over six months ago, I held my baby boy for the first time.  I watched my husband change his first diaper.  I experienced real sleep deprivation.  And we became a family of three.  How has half a year already gone by?

As I have been reflecting for the last week, 2013 has been a major year of change for us.  We had a child, we bought a house, we have lost friends, new babies have been born, and our church has closed it's doors.  While all of these things have affected me in serious ways, the whole "having a child" thing is what has changed my everyday.

A friend of mine, mother of five, captures her moments of daily life through photography and posts them as #elevatetheeveryday.  I love this concept.  I'm realizing that motherhood with young children really can become a lot of repeating, watching development, waiting, and making everyday tasks ELEVATED so as to enjoy the most simple of things.  My hope is that Colton will learn this along with me.

This is why there's a song for changing his diaper.  This is why I actually wait to fold the laundry until he's awake and can play in it.  This is why I water the garden with him on my hip, so I can point out all the different vegetables to him.  This is why we eat lunch outside when we can, because the blanket on the grass makes such a cool sound.

Even when Colton is teething, growing or sick, I still try to stop and "smell the roses" as a mom.  Attempting to pause and remember that I'll be writing my reflections on a year before I know it, and all those pajamas I just ripped the tags off of will be boxed up and marked "baby clothes" before I can blink.

I'm also learning to be resourceful.  Because in order to "elevate the everyday," one has to plan to do so.  Things like when I'm chopping veggies for my scrambled eggs at 7am, I'll chop some for my sandwich and for dinner on the grill as well.  I'm giving myself set 20-30 minute chunks of time to clean while my kid is asleep.  Beyond that, I need to enjoy some time to myself (writing, reading, sleeping, skyping etc).

So six months in, Colton is sitting up, crawling, has two bottom teeth and is developing his personality.  He actually smiles on command for the camera, and loves to make little growling and spitting noises- such a boy.  We'll be starting solids at the end of the month which I believe he's going to love.  I read recently "food before one is just for fun."  I liked that.  It takes a lot of pressure off of it.  He'll go through likes, dislikes, plenty of messes and lots of discovery.

Here's to elevating the next six months.

Opening Windows

Sometimes you need to open a window.

It's amazing how stuffy it can get in my little world. I breath my own recycled air as I panic about silly things, worry about plans that don't happen, rethink things I should have said or done. Everyone needs some fresh air every now and then, and for me it was Saturday morning.

Colton, while a good sleeper these days, has been confused lately. Not sure where he got the idea that waking up bright-eyed and ready to play at 5:00am was a good idea (probably from his dad). Saturday morning, I embraced it, got up with my boy and had that cup of coffee even though I knew he'd go down for a nap by 6:30. I decided to use that time to do something I never have time for: reading. I was given a small book by a mother I respect right after I had Colton. Really wasn't sure when I was ever gonna read anything other than a text message these days, but it could not have come at any better time. Within minutes I was laughing and crying and choking on my coffee. What a refreshing feeling! In the first chapter, this mother of five children under five talks about "opening a window." She was right, I needed some fresh air and fresh perspective.

As soon as I let this air in, I realized how stuffy it had been. You never know when you're in the stuffy room until you leave it. Chris and I realized the other night, we had really been just letting life happen to us. And for a short time, after a baby is born, this is totally acceptable. But after a while, it's reasonable to live a little bit more on purpose again. What started out as pillow talk, ended up being a much longer discussion on our marriage, our habits, our future and where we were headed. We needed some new direction, and needed to establish our vision as a family again. It had been a while.

After a long drive and picnic lunch the next day, we connected and got on the same page. We tend to have these planning sessions every few years. We asked questions like "where do we want to live in x amount of years?" "what will my exercise routine look like?" "where will we have taken vacation?" "who will we spend time with the most?" "how much sleep will I get?" "what will we have saved for?" "how will we rest together?" "what will our family look like?"

We are still working through this routine, and it is different answering these questions this time, not just as a couple, but as a family of three now. But I have to say, since I "opened that window" on Saturday, I'm feeling refreshed, motivated and on point- even for a tired mother of a 5 month old.

God, give us the grace to live out these goals while keeping You as our center. Help me be the wife, mother, friend, writer, and observer I hope to become.

A New Anxiety

“And he described Jesus in one word. Are you ready for this, Noelle?  Jesus was RELAXED.”

A friend of mine shared with me about a podcast she had heard from Dallas Willard.  I can’t remember how we got there, but this was a divine word that I knew was not an accident.  I consider myself a fairly even-keeled person, but all that usually means is that I store the extra highs and lows on the inside until they ooze out and somebody’s gotta clean them up.  It’s not until my anxiety is called out by name am I able to deal with it.

Motherhood has brought on a new anxiousness.  Everyone calls it “natural” but anxiety is not healthy, even if it’s for good reason.  It eats away at you, one thought at a time.  While I want to be a more relaxed parent, I know it’s simply so not my style.  I’m trying to accept that.  I like structure, and knowing, and stats, far more than I like to just “let things happen.”  Because, what if I let things happen and it turns out horribly?!  How do my motherly instincts fit into this equation?

First it was feeding.  I experienced so much stress with my first two months of nursing; I’m surprised my body didn’t just give up all together.  By God’s grace, we fought through and my son has gained weight without issue, and now we have a wonderful feeding relationship.

Then came the sleeping issue.  Swaddling correctly, sleeping position, is he breathing, etc.  Then general health questions- why is he congested, what is this skin reaction, immunizations, germs in the church nursery and grocery store, indigestion… it’s enough to work one into insomnia, and at times it did.  By God’s grace, my son is figuring out his sleeping on his own, and all of those health worries have worked themselves out.  Imagine that.

Lately I’ve been worrying about pumping schedules, my husband’s role in parenting and my hesitancy to leave my child with other people- if my insecurities are worth listening to or fighting through.

Last night, my husband asked the dreaded “is there anything you need to talk about” question.  What started as a minor concern about the perception of others blew up into a complete projectile spit up (baby pun intended) of anxiety that had been building up itself.  Poor husband, didn't know he'd need a burp rag for the wife too.

Does caring/loving your child so much HAVE TO accompany such high levels of anxiety?  Does thinking about your child 24/7 HAVE TO include worrying about them 24/7?  I think the answer is no, but I realized this was something I most definitely was NOT doing.

When Dallas Willard described Jesus as RELAXED, we’re not talking about the ultimate vacation or spa day.  Jesus really, in every circumstance, trusted the Father.  This is a NEW place for me to trust God.  I may trust him with my marriage, our jobs, family drama, friendships… but suddenly I’m like the kid with the new toy.  I don’t want to share it.  It’s new, and I want to figure it out.  I want this part all to myself.  Why am I so relaxed about trusting the Lord in these other areas of life that are old hat compared to the new, but not this new one: my child.

If I could only stay reminded of how much more God loves my son than I ever can or will, I could finally relax.  I could finally trust.  My shoulders would drop away from my ears, my hands would soften and I could drift back to sleep, if I could just remember how to be like Jesus in this way: at times angry, at times staying up late, at times up early, at times in pain, at times with the weight of the world on his shoulders, but all the while- trusting that the will of the Father to be the ultimate good.