Since that time, Chris and I walked through one of the darker valleys we have experienced as a married couple thanks to... can I say it? The dreaded "I" word?
Gosh I despised that word. It still makes me straighten up in alarm.
I've wanted to write about it, but prayed that one day I could write on the "up side" of the valley, looking back down on to that dark place, thankful for where we've come. It was hard to put my feelings into words during that forever time.
I feared being judged.
I feared not having the right thing to say.
I feared lashing out on a bad day.
I feared underestimating my feelings on a good day.
I feared having to face yet one more "idea" to help.
I feared the idea of not wanting to be done, but being done.
I feared being angry at God.
I feared how I started to view my marriage.
FEAR is CRIPPLING. We are not called to have a spirit of fear... (2 Tim 1:7)
I had friends who had just began this monthly battle of disappointments, testing, diagnoses, while others who were veterans in this war, claiming the fight for years and years. What would I have to say that would be different? Why were we being called to walk in this muck? I wanted my testimony to revolve around victorious parenting, blissful marriage, vibrant community. I mean, who doesn't, right? BUT... that's not what we are promised... most definitely not.
We are NOT promised ANYTHING, but we are promised GOD HIMSELF.
This statement still brings me to tears. He's enough. Truly. I'm so humbled thinking about how many times I beat my fist in the air asking WHY. Why couldn't we have another baby right now? Why wasn't my body working the way it was supposed to? Why wasn't my plan working out? All the while, I believed tearfully that His way was indeed better than mine, but I didn't have to love it right now.
The ONLY thing that got me through these last few years was the truth of God's Word. Everything else left me searching and questioning. God met me in my mess with his comforting words, even on my worst days. He left me wanting for nothing but His presence (Ps 23:1-3). He was with me no matter how long this valley went for (Ps 23:4). Only then could I go on with joy knowing He was doing something greater in me (James 1:2-3). Resting in Him was my only hope while in waiting (Romans 12:12).
In God's infinite wisdom and timing, we have been able to conceive another baby, who is growing steadily by His grace. I could shake my head in disbelief, but instead I'm left in awe and worship of the God who creates, prevents and gives life. My little science brain tried to rationalize for so long, too many tests not lining up and my health care team disagreeing about what was really "wrong."
If you're reading this and can relate on any level, please know it's okay to talk about it. Not enough people know how to talk about fertility. It's hard. It's personal. It can offend. You can lose friends. But we need people around us, especially the type that will just squeeze your hand at that baby shower, or text you that they are thinking of you when you're about to give up.
Secondly, keep pouring into your marriage. Remember that was your first gift in this whole journey. You had each other. Take care of each other. Figure out HOW to love one another, cause it's gonna get really hard.
Lastly, lean into the God who knows you. He knows your hormones, your test results, your temperature, and when you're running from Him. His word creates breath and life yes, but it also gives comfort in the waiting. I can't explain His reasoning, but I do know His character. It's loving, enduring and trusting... which makes "waiting" for anything in this world "nothing" in comparison to the glory that is in Him.